Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yes.

Just….yes.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Government 101

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Found on ATS

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Oh Shit.

A teenager suspected of car burglary was so surprised when he opened a car door to find a police officer sitting inside that he messed his pants, police said.

"I was in my personal vehicle, but I was in uniform," Taylor told the Deseret News Monday. "I'd pulled in my driveway and was on the phone with another deputy when I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw this guy trying to get into my wife's car."

Taylor watched the teen then move up toward his car.

"Right as his hand goes to check my handle, I kick the door open," Taylor said. "I said, 'You'd better stop right there! Police!' I'm not kidding, it was quiet as can be, and I heard …"

As if this isn’t funny enough, the comments on the original post caused me to suffer a massive bout of the lulz.

lulz

Couldn’t have said it better my friend.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I dunno, this kinda makes sense.

A new Afghan law that has drawn Western condemnation for restricting women's rights does not allow marital rape as its critics claim, but lets men refuse to feed wives who deny them sex, the cleric behind it says.

Just kidding ladies, you know I love you.  Snookums.

Pure Win.

If you don’t know this stuff, you fail.


Know Your Meme: FAIL from Rocketboom on Vimeo.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Profanity Filter: OFF

Oh my sweet Christ, here we go with the ‘Obama showed them damned Republicans’ bullshit fest.

Some conservatives were attempting to paint Barack Obama as a weak leader over the pirate hostage drama. They are eating crow now.

Eating crow my ass.  I’ve had enough of this taint licking Obamachrist worship, and it fucking has to stop NOW.  Obama didn’t do shit.  Navy SEALS did.  All he did was say ‘ok.’

Navy SEALS = Pwnage with mad snipa skillz0rz.

Obama = got a puppy.

Do you see the stark gulf of galactic proportions concerning his involvement in this whole affair?

For the benefit of those of you unable to extract your noses from Obama’s asshole long enough to see what is going on, I’m going to lay  out the one and only acceptable scenario under which he could rightly be considered a god.

Barack Obama wakes up on a cloud floating near Mt. Olympus.  His morning wood is the axis around which the globe spins. He takes his morning piss and there is a tsunami. On fucking Mars.

He makes Zeus wash his underwear and keeps Aphrodite as a mistress.

He shits mountains of gold,platinum,titanium,diamonds or any combination thereof.

He dons a superhero cape and flying down to earth with inhuman speed, fires lasers out of his eyeballs vaporizing the evil pirates on sight, then, merely by snapping his fingers, teleports himself through space and time where he becomes a Roman Emperor and builds a museum to his greatness out of only his own discarded skin cells.

Then, and only then, will I eat crow and acknowledge the deity of this asshole.

Navy SEALS for the motherfucking win.

By the way, I hear Obama leiks teh Mudkipz.

Peace out.

Fir real?

I thought pneumonia sucked.  Like, seriously hardcore industrial vacuum grade suckage. 

This poor sap, I’m sorry to say, has managed to one up anything I’ve ever suffered from.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Facepalm. Rinse. Repeat.

This is the stupidest, most brain-dead, utterly indescribable piece of half-assed shit journalism I’ve ever seen in my life.

I know that sometimes even MY posts are pointless…and since I have approximately 2 readers, they probably ALL are; though at least even my most groan inducing, nausea generating posts have ten times the relevance of this shit.  Ordinarily I would cite the thing…but this abortion of an article needs to be reposted in full to be enjoyed.

Please prepare to enter the zone of whatthefuck, where nothing makes sense, and you’ll wonder if it’s possible to retrieve that minute of time you’ll spend reading this. 

Enjoy:

After witnessing a Satyricon concert, one's first thought typically is to meet the legendary black metal drummer Frost. Having played in established acts such as Gorgoroth and 1349, he is quite renown in the black metal community.

The only way to meet and converse with either of the members of Satyricon was to patiently wait. A plethora of fans crowded around Frost, eager for his signature on their skin or an object. Everybody wanted an autograph, it was absolute chaos in the Gothic Theatre. After the room cleared out, I approached Frost. "I would not like an autograph. Instead I have a question: What is freedom to you?" I asked him, searching for some form of substance, expecting a magnificent or even thoughtful answer. Frost looked astonished, his eyes darted across the room as though looking for an answer. "I just got done playing a show, i'm tired, and you're asking me philosophical questions?" Frost said, as an unexplainable smile spread across his face. "Yes!" I responded, laughing, trying to make him more comfortable in the conversation. "Let me think about it for a few minutes." He said, turning around to the fans that were left in the room.

Patiently I waited next to him for about 20 minutes, and then moved aside and spent the remainder of the time awaiting a response. Waiting for some kind of unique wisdom that would redeem his prior comment. No such thing occurred, as he never did answer my question. However, he seemed to have no objection to giving fans his autograph as frequently as possible.

I’m going to go around randomly asking people that now. Jesus.

I’m still trying to figure out if it’s a joke or just literally the stupidest attempt to fill space on the internet in the history of the planet.

In any case, here’s my reply:

553

A Learning We Will Go.

We took the kids to DC to the Natural History museum today.  It was a great getaway, and the kids enjoyed it immensely.  I’ve never seen them so excited; they couldn’t wait to get from one exhibit to another and touch everything they could get their hands on. 

We had a blast.  Well, except for one little tiny thing.  I made a horrendous discovery.  I saw something…a device…that made me cringe in abject horror.

SDC10906

In case you can’t read it…this monstrous contraption is a syringe…used..and I quote: “…in the urethra to inject liquid mercury as a treatment for syphilis.”

To go all valley-guy on you for a sec ‘like, ohmygod ewww’

The 17th century must have REALLY sucked.