Friday, May 5, 2006

Terrorists Can't Hack Real Combat

Just when I thought that terrorists had thought of every possible means of attack and training, I find out that they're now playing first person shooter mods in order to learn to kill American troops.

Of course, the media spin on it makes it sound incredibly ominous. As a long-time gamer, I've got a slightly different take. This actually is a good thing. It means that when it comes to real combat situations the terrorists will make themselves disgunstingly easy targets.

Here are a few things I've learned from countless hours playing shooters online that terrorists might like to know.

1. Bunny-hop. When playing shooters online, one of the cheapest and easiest ways to avoid enemy gunfire is to jump around spastically like a psychotic rabbit on meth. It works pretty well online, so insurgents, take it from a gamer. Jump all around, you'll be untouchable.

2. Hack. Some members of the gaming community often employ scripts to either automagically aim their weapons or turn walls and scenery invisible while rendering enemies bright colors. This gives them a tremendous advantage, letting them get the jump on their opponents almost every time. The U.S. military does not use aimbots. They CAN see through walls however. Terrorists, even if you can find some way to even the odds here, I suspect our troops will be more than happy to 'ban' you from ever playing on that or any other battlefield.

3. Be the 'Shotty-Whore.' This term defines the misguided macho character who always takes off solo with a shotgun in order to gain glory for himself and himself alone. Results vary with skill, but are usually messy, and not in a good way.

4. Be the 'Grenade-Whore' Similar to the above, this person stands in the same place round after round lobbing grenades blindly. I firmly encourage all terrorists to do this, as we are militarily unable to fathom a the physics of a ballistic arc and we will never find you.

5. Be the 'Rocketeer' This term is reserved entirely for the special breed who determines at the outset that his best chance to take out the maximum number of enemies and go meet Allah in a blaze of glory is either to lie in wait with a single RPG, or to charge headlong into an ungodly huge mob of the enemy and expect to take them all out with the one shot they'll be able to squeeze off before the enemy turns them into a pile of shredded, leaded meat.

6. Health Packs. Destroy every crate, box, trashcan and pouch you can find. Inside you will undoubtedly find either a candy bar, soda can, or red cross package which will restore you to full health and enable you to continue going after the infidels. Sometimes they can be found just lying around on the street.

7. Spawn-camping. Online, this works wonders for quick and dirty kills. In the real world, it will 'get j00 pwnd' in about two seconds flat.

8. Vehicles. Remember, you know how to drive any coalition vehicle. Taking one is as simple as walking up to it and climbing in. Seriously. Try it.

9. The TK. Also known as the team-killer. There's always one of these in every group. The guy who stands around and blasts away at members of his own team for nothing other than sheer glee. He giggles like a 12 year old girl while his teammates perish in a spray of pixelated blood cursing him all the while. To all the Al-Qaeda players out there, TKing is strongly encouraged.

10. Lag. The holy grail of all excuses for screwing up. Face it, if you get shot in the ass by a Marine, it's not lag. You just suck.
While I've taken a few moments to point this information out, keep in mind that now that 'officials' have declared that terrorists are 'using' PC games as training aids, there's sure to be some sort of crackdown on game violence. Remember: when you outlaw first person shooters, only outlaws will have first person shooters.

Hooah! Time to go play some America's Army.

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